**Content warning:  This blog discusses teen death by suicide.

There is an often-shared story of a teen who was being bullied at school. At the end of a round of bullying, another teen helps him scoop up his books and walks home with him. They form a lasting friendship. At graduation, the bullied teen reveals that he was planning to die by suicide before their friendship began. In its telling, we are reminded that we rarely know the full story of the person walking beside us. Simple acts of kindness, an invitation to connect, or the willingness to stay present and listen can matter more than we realize.

As people of The United Methodist Church, our understanding of grace and nurturing faith in community drops us directly at the intersection of mental health and spiritual formation. What a gift we can be!  Teen mental health and spiritual formation are deeply connected. Faith doesn't replace mental health care. Rather, healthy spiritual formation helps young people develop a sense of belonging, purpose, hope, and connection as they navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence. We can create faith communities where teens are known, listened to, accepted, and supported, rather than expected to have everything figured out or hide their struggles behind silence or a smile. 

For teens, mental health development can be an obstacle-laden quest, navigated with stress, loneliness, anxiety, social pressures, and uncertainty about the future.  Death by suicide is one of the leading causes of death among adolescents and young adults.  

What can we do to make a difference?  We can be the someone who pauses to ask a teen how their day is going, or discover their interests and ask about those.  We can be late for coffee or our meeting to stay and listen, without judgment or fixing. Most importantly, we can risk asking the awkward questions when we wonder if they are doing okay.  We can embody vulnerability and create a safe space, showing our human care and compassion. 

Showing care isn't limited to church.  Is there a teen in your circle of influence you could engage in conversation with, get to know? I made a point of “getting the mail” when I saw my neighbor’s teen sons outside, getting off the bus or hanging in the driveway.  It took a few minutes to ask how their music practice went or ask about their upcoming school play. Find out what they enjoy and then keep asking them about it, feeding their sense of belonging.

Faith communities, small and large, rural and urban, can do this, too. We can normalize talking about the importance of mental health and counseling; we can offer to host community events to talk about it; we can promote and attend events already going on in our community. We can connect with the parents of teens to find out what they need. When we embody with our actions and words that emotional struggles are a part of spiritual formation, we support teens developing resources, relationships, and a sense of belonging. We humanize working through rather than fixing as we shift conversation from dismissing or diminishing struggle to honoring it as something faith communities walk through together.

Creating this sense of belonging and safety often means stepping out of our own comfort zone as well. Sometimes, our cultural ways of responding to those in need can get in the way. For a struggling teen, not asking them how they are doing because we don’t want to make them uncomfortable can leave them feeling even more alone.  Instead, show your care and risk an uncomfortable conversation. If you suspect they are struggling, ask the difficult questions. Politeness isn’t the same as emotional safety. A quiet teen may be fine, and they may be thinking they have to handle things on their own and not burden anyone.  Risk. Ask, listen into their experience, and be prepared to help if needed.

Always, if you are concerned about a teen’s mental health, it’s vitally important to ask the teen directly if they are thinking of harming themselves and if the answer is yes, accompany them in getting help. It is a myth to think asking them elicits thoughts of death by suicide. Having honest conversations with teens is loving them and offering them God’s belonging in community.

The most important message a teen can hear is: “You matter to me. I’m listening. I'm here.”  And if they are in crisis, “We'll take the next step together.” Be prepared to stay with a teen in crisis until they are safely in the hands of a professional or trusted adult.

*For LGBTQ+ and transgender teens: Avoid statements that dismiss their identity, frame it as a phase, or suggest they must change to be accepted. Instead, affirm their inherent dignity and belonging.

You may not have teens directly in your life right now. That doesn’t mean they aren’t in your circle of influence. Notice where they are showing up.  When they do, pause, listen more than you talk, follow through with any commitments you make, and stay connected.  Be the someone who mirrors their worth and belonging back to them.